Once upon a time there was a wonder

Once upon a time there was a wonderful and kind queen (whose name is unimportant for the purposes of this story) and an equally wonderful and kind king that ruled the land of Exotica.

One day into her sixth month of pregnancy, the unnamed queen sat at the window in her room, overlooking the castle garden. “If I were to have a daughter whose skin was white as snow, whose lips were red as blood, and whose hair was black as night, I would name her Snow White.”

Ominous lightening flashed in the distance.

Four months later, as the woman was giving birth, she remembered her promise of naming her daughter Snow White. Unfortunately, the birthing didn’t go so well for her, and by the time the newborn baby was received by medics, the unnamed queen was near death. Unbeknownst to her, she didn’t have a daughter, but a son instead.

With her last dying breath, she said to the unnamed king: “Her name...is Snow White...” and then the light left her eyes and the kingdom cried.

The Kings eyes shifted from his dead wife to the child in his arms and he sighed. “I’m sorry my love,” he murmured apologetically, “but for his psychological wellbeing, I cannot with good conscience name the new prince ‘Snow White’. Let’s go with Xiumin instead, as it sounds just as exotic and much less ridiculous.”

And so it came to pass that the Prince was named Xiumin, never knowing that he was supposed to be a girl.

Eventually the unnamed King had to remarry for the good of the land, and he chose a woman who was beautiful but vain and kind of evil. Not a good choice, really, but when has royalty ever made good choices?

Since the King did not love his new bride, and he already had an heir to the throne, they never engaged in adult 'fun time’ and therefore the King never realized that the evil queen was, in fact, a man.

A very pretty and effeminate man, but a man none the less.

His name (as he is important enough to have one) was Luhan.

Luhan spent a lot of time in his room, primping and preening in front of the mirror and, when everyone was asleep, making vile potions to test on poor, unfortunate peasants. The mirror was unlike any other mirror in the kingdom, for when he talked to it, it talked back.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall,” Luhan said one day as he was fixing his bra to hide his lack of s, “who is the fairest of them all.”

Luhan asked, but really he already knew the answer. Because who could be more attractive then him, really?

“My dear queen,” the mirror (who, for story purposes, was named Sehun) replied with an annoyed sigh, “you are by fair the fairest of them all.” Luhan grinned happily at the reminder. “You realize I’m an all knowing magical object, right?” Sehun continued, sounding a little desperate. “I know everything! I can tell you how to achieve world peace, and what the meaning of life is!”

Luhan nodded seriously, apparently deep in thought. “Alright then, mirror, tell me...how many does it take to get to the center of a lollipop?”

Sehun rolled his eyes. “Seventy-four. I’m gonna go get stoned with that flying carpet from Agrabah, stop calling on me for stupid questions.” And that was that.

Meanwhile on the other side of the castle, Xiumin was growing into a fine-looking young man. His skin was white as snow, his lips red as blood, and his hair black as night. Unlike the evil queen, however, he wasn’t really interested in his appearance so much, and spent most of his time helping the servants clean the castle (because it was filthy and Xiumin had a legitimate problem).

On Xiumin’s twenty-fourth birthday, Luhan was getting ready for the party. Out of pride, he found himself asking for Sehun once again.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” Luhan asked, causing Sehun to groan unhappily.

“Why did I get stuck with you?” Sehun muttered under his breath, sneering out at the evil queen. “I would say you, but then I’d be lying,” he added louder, and despite his hatred of stating the obvious, Sehun couldn’t help but feel a little smug about the fact. “You are no doubt beautiful, oh glorius queen, but Xiumin is the fairest of them all.”

Luhan hadn’t been expecting this, and nearly fell to the floor in shock. “What?” He screeched when he finally realized that Sehun wasn’t just screwing around. “Since when?”

If Sehun had had shoulders, he would’ve shrugged. “Since today. I mean seriously, have you seen him lately? Those cheeks are adorable, and his eyes burn into your soul. Not to mention his hip-thrusting. I’ve seen his hip-thrusting and it’s amazing. He’s my bias.” And then Sehun blushed.

“This is bull!” Luhan shrieked, kicking Sehun angrily. “I’m the fairest! Me motherer! I thought you were all-knowing!”

“I am,” Sehun replied, definitely smug now. “And with my knowledge I can tell you with complete certainty that Prince Xiumin is the most beautiful living creature in the land. Deal with it.”

Luhan couldn’t ‘deal with it’. That little had stolen his title and he refused to allow it to continue. Thus he immediately called upon the handsome but heartless huntsman.

“I’m not allowed to be in here,” The Huntsman (his name was Kris, but no one ever bothered to call him that) said upon entering the queens chambers. “If the King finds me in your bedroom, he’s gonna get the wrong impression and I’m going to die. Couldn’t we talk about this somewhere else?”

“No,” Luhan snapped, glaring at him. “I need you to take Prince Xiumin out into the forest and murder him.”

“That’s a bad idea,” Kris pointed out, though he didn’t outright refuse.

“I’ll give you money,” Luhan said, and one of Kris’ thick eyebrows raised interestedly.