Family rules: the basicsRules can h

Family rules: the basics

Rules can help your family members get along better, and make family life more peaceful. Effective rules are positive statements about how your family wants to look after and treat its members.

When rules are stated clearly and unambiguously, they help:

children and young people learn where the limits are, and what’s expected of them
adults be consistent in the way they treat younger family members.
Who to involve in making rules

It’s important to involve all members of the family as much as possible when developing family rules.

Children as young as three can have meaningful discussions with parents about what rules are and why they’re needed.

As children get older, they can contribute even more when deciding what the rules should be, as well as the consequences for breaking them. By the time they reach adolescence, involvement in rule-making will give children valuable experience in taking responsibility for their own behaviour.

Involving your child in creating both the family rules and the consequences for breaking them helps her understand and accept them.
What to make rules about

Choose the most important things to make rules about – for example, a rule about not physically hurting each other would be a must for most families. You might also develop rules about:

safety
manners
politeness
daily routines
how you treat each other.
Every family’s rules will be different. The standards you create will be influenced by your beliefs, values, your situation and your child’s maturity and needs.

Kinds of rules

Rules come in different shapes and sizes. But all good rules have something in common: they are specific and easy to understand.

‘Do’ rules

‘Do’ rules are good teaching tools, and they’re best in most situations because they guide your child’s behaviour in a positive way. Here are some examples:

Sit down to eat.
Speak in a polite voice.
Wear your seatbelt in the car.
Be gentle with each other.
Be home by curfew.
‘Don’t’ rules

It’s best to have more ‘do’ than ‘don't’ rules – use ‘don’t’ rules when it’s difficult to explain exactly what to do instead. Here are some examples:

Don’t spit.
Don’t ask for things in the supermarket.
Don’t get in a car with a P-plater who has been drinking.
Ground rules

These are rules that apply everywhere, no matter what. Some ground rules might apply to the whole family, whereas others might apply just to younger children, or to teenagers. Rules about politeness and not hurting each other are examples of ground rules.

Situation rules

Sometimes it can be helpful to have a short set of rules for specific situations. For example, you might have rules for:

travelling in the car
visiting another person’s house
using the computer
going shopping.
How many rules?
A few clear and specific rules are likely to be more effective than a long list. This is especially true for younger children, who are less able to remember them. As children get older and more mature, the rules can ‘grow’ along with them. If your child tends to break the rules, you might need to choose your battles and focus on basic issues like safety and fairness.
How to develop rules

Children and teenagers appreciate being involved in the rule-making process.

Taking part in discussions about rules won’t necessarily stop young people from breaking them. It will, however, help them understand what the rules are and why they’re needed.

Many families find it useful to write down a set of rules about how family members are expected to behave. Writing them down makes them clear, and can also prevent arguments about what is or isn’t allowed. Sticking the rules on the fridge, or in another prominent spot, can help younger children be constantly aware of them.

Written rules are also helpful for teenagers. For children of this age, instead of making the rules public by sticking them on the fridge, it’s a good idea to keep them somewhere a little more private that's still close to hand for when you need to refer to them.

For younger children, consider drawing pictures that depict the rules. You can then turn the artwork into a poster to be placed in a prominent spot. Involving children in drawing or colouring the poster will give you a chance to discuss the rules with them.
When to start making rules

You can start making simple rules as soon as your child has the language skills to understand them. This is part of teaching your child what you expect.

Young children will need supervision and support to follow rules. Preschoolers tend to forget, are inconsistent in their behaviour and can be easily distracted. Remember that a false sense of security in a rule can lead to tragic consequences (for example, ‘He knows not to go near the dam’, ‘She knows not to touch matches’).

Some children with special needs might also need help to understand and remember rules.

All children are different, but it’s usually