I have terrible news for people who

I have terrible news for people who thought Re:Zero was tropey, because Hundred plummets so far beneath cliché, it feels like a kindergartener’s sticky-handed effort to glue different tropes into some kind of order. You know how in an IQ test for children, the interviewer provides frames of a story and gives it to the child to put together? Yeah, Hundred failed the IQ test.

Hundred starts off with the screaming, crimson-coated melodrama of war. Flames! Blood! Devastation! More screaming! There’s a huge monster with an eerie green glow, there’s more screaming, aaaaaand…. cut to the future to meet our protagonist, Hayato, who has the highest score ever on Hundred compatibility, whatever that means.

Hayato has the personality of a potato that’s been soaked in water too long, but hasn’t yet been interesting enough to start sprouting. He’s supposed to be a genius, so why is he so stupid? His immediate best friend Emile Crossfode is obviously, obviously, obviously a girl, yet we are treated to no less than three baffled, wooden pronunciations of “but aren’t you a guy?!” from Hayato.

Nothing Hayato says indicates that he possesses any personality at all, let alone one worth building a whole anime around. The only interesting Hayato moment came when he snuck away from his welcoming committee by hiding behind a train, indicating a certain degree of reserve that I don’t expect Hundred to explore at all.

The female characters are devastatingly bad. Where Hayato completely lacks a personality aside from dull and stupid, the girls are like the ghosts of tropes from anime seasons past. Sick Sister In Hospital! Boobs! Princess Hair Student Council President! Torpedo Boobs! Five Different Baby-Voiced 10-Year-Olds! Booooobs! Maid Outfit + Cat Ears! Booooooobs. It’s like a horny idiot’s fever dream after inhaling bottom-of-the-anime-barrel fumes.

The world-building is terrible: Hundred throws term after term at you for nearly 15 minutes before bothering to explain any of it to you. You’ve got Slayers, you’ve got Savages, you’ve got “Innocence Type,” you’ve got variable stones and variable suits… Even though these kinds of terms fly around non-stop, they only mask really basic elements of the genre. Monster. Kid soldier. Weapon. Got it.

To make such a basic world seem so inaccessible and confusing is almost masterful. What a way to disguise how little Hundred really has to offer. I understand Hundred is a light novel adaptation, which is shocking to me, as Hundred is so gamified I thought for sure it was a smartphone game tie-in. But even the weapons are lame if you’ve literally ever seen an anime with weapons, at all, ever. The floating magical military academy, “Little Garden,” is straight outta Final Fantasy VIII ’s bargain bin rip-off. ( White SeeD Ship much?)

The loli scientist (she falls into the “Five Different Baby-Voiced 10-Year Olds” category) explains why the world is this way with breathtaking insipidness: “To protect humanity.” Oh, thank God someone put in time and effort to design this character, animate her, cast a voice actress for her and write these words for her. I would have never ever guessed that the trainees in this school are fighting these giant evil monsters in order to protect humanity. Keep me posted.

But the most ridiculous moment of the episode by far has to come when “definitely not a girl” Emile pricks “his” thumb while sewing. Hayato, who not five minutes ago freaked out when he came back to consciousness on Emile’s lap because Emile’s a guy, y’all , sticks Emile’s thumb in his mouth and sucks on it. Hayato literally just had a gay panic flail, then casually pops Emile’s thumb in his mouth and sucks on it to stop the bleeding? What? What? At least keep the gay panic consistent if we’re doing the whole “tee hee, she was disguised as a guy but, shocking reveal, she’s not!” How else are you supposed to continue to milk humor out of this exhausted premise?

Should you watch ‘Hundred’?
No. Watch Seraph of the End instead, which is a superior assembly of almost everything interesting about Hundred .